Most people attempt to get their needs met in their relationship and this surely causes some troublesome things to happen. First, it causes people to focus mainly on their needs and not on the desires of their partner. Secondly, it makes people believe that they deserve something that may well not be delivered. As a result both people who are engaged in a relationship end up with a flawed view of what a successful relationship is all about. The terrible consequence of all these is that people start to blame the other for not meeting their needs. Blaming has never worked and never will. It may have you feeling justified in your position, but it will always hurt your relationship.
It’s particularly important to develop the realization that your feelings can deceive you. This can be difficult for people raised during the “honor your feelings” era of relationships. Your feelings tell you things like, "I can’t believe he could do something like that to me," or, "How could he treat me so badly?" These feelings are the result of your own low self-esteem and your own personal history of victimization.
While it’s true that your partner may treat you in a way you don’t like sometimes, it’s not true that you need to react to it with strong negative feelings. These strong negative feelings are a reflection of your own esteem issues. They also have a way of keeping your partner engaged in the struggle with you so that you can continue to blame each other. When you are both engaged in the struggle, you’ll believe that he needs to be fixed. He’ll think the same of you. Nobody wins and everybody loses. This isn’t very smart or effective.
After all, the only thing that we can do to improve a relationship is to improve ourself. To stop looking over at our partner and seeing all of his or her flaws. To stop blaming him or her. Your partner has issues just like we all do. But if you see hem or her as a collection of flaws you’ll have no chance at a successful relationship. And it’s successful relationships in life that make us truly happy.
It’s particularly important to develop the realization that your feelings can deceive you. This can be difficult for people raised during the “honor your feelings” era of relationships. Your feelings tell you things like, "I can’t believe he could do something like that to me," or, "How could he treat me so badly?" These feelings are the result of your own low self-esteem and your own personal history of victimization.
While it’s true that your partner may treat you in a way you don’t like sometimes, it’s not true that you need to react to it with strong negative feelings. These strong negative feelings are a reflection of your own esteem issues. They also have a way of keeping your partner engaged in the struggle with you so that you can continue to blame each other. When you are both engaged in the struggle, you’ll believe that he needs to be fixed. He’ll think the same of you. Nobody wins and everybody loses. This isn’t very smart or effective.
After all, the only thing that we can do to improve a relationship is to improve ourself. To stop looking over at our partner and seeing all of his or her flaws. To stop blaming him or her. Your partner has issues just like we all do. But if you see hem or her as a collection of flaws you’ll have no chance at a successful relationship. And it’s successful relationships in life that make us truly happy.
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